Control. Or lack thereof.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

If you know me, even a little, you know that I like to plan things. I have books and binders full of lists. My adorable Lilly Pulitzer print planner is glued to me at all times. If you are one of my closer friends, you have very likely witnessed a freakout when I misplaced it. Planning is who I am.

I can plan things until my fingers are numb from writing/typing. I can plan the you-know-what out of anything. What I struggle with, I have found, is the action. I am afraid of what would happen if things don't go according to plan.

So here's the thing. My first year in college did not go according to plan. At all. I mean, really. If you would have told me a year ago that I would do the things I did and experienced during my first year of college, I probably would have packed up my stuff and gone back home. I had this plan for myself, all of the things I was going to do and see, and in what order. Most of those things happened, and I saw the things I wanted to, sure. However, most (if not all) of my dearest and best memories are of things that I did not plan. My sorority is the perfect example of that. I did not plan joining a sorority, and I did not plan being so heavily involved in it. I surely did not plan living in the house my second year, and possibly through the end of my college career (not that I'm planning or anything... ;) ).

My point in explaining all of this is the idea that my incessant need to plan out every detail of my life is because I like to feel like I am in control. If I plan out everything that I am supposed to do, then there is not time for things to go off plan, right? Wrong.

So here's the moral of the story: I can't control anything. Just like I couldn't control how my first year of college was going to go, I can't control the rest of my life. I am realizing that more and more now. While at first that gives me great anxiety (no control? WHAT?!), it is also very liberating. The only thing I can control is myself, my actions, and my choices. By letting go of my need to control everything, I am free to focus on what really matters: my friends, my family, my sisters, my studies.

I am going to be perfectly honest. I haven't done a great job of controlling my choices in this past year. I feel like I tried to control too much, and ended up controlling very little. Just to be clear, I will continue to plan. I will make lists, and I will carry around my Lilly with me everywhere I go. But my goal is to not try and control everything. So here is my challenge to myself, and to anyone who wants to take part:

I will not try to control anyone or anything but myself. I can only control how I respond to events, and I will take responsibility for the choices I make.

My friends, sisters, family, or anyone who reads this (if anyone reads this), I will ask you to hold me to this challenge. Of course, I will do the same for you.

Thank you for reading. <3
xoxo,

Zoe :)


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